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PART THREE...
Q: How many chauvinist does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the chick can wash in the dark!
Men are scum, right ladies? Too bad we own everything!
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: Why are hangovers better than a woman?
A: Hangovers will go away.
Q: Did you here about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody
Q: Did you know that it has been discovered that alcohol contains female hormones?
A: Because if you drink too much you talk shit and cant drive.
Q: What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing, she's been told twice already.
*WOMAN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS*
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo.
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 188lb but known to vary from 100 to 550lb.
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
Surface usually covered with painted film,
Boils at nothing, freezes with reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if incorrectly used.
Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
Yields to pressure applied at correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, platinum & Precious Stones.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no good reason.
Insoluable in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can be a great aid to relaxation.
Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
Pure speciman turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better speciman.
HAZARDS:
Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with eachother.
HANDLE AT YOUR OWN RISK
Q: What do you do if your wife strays 10 feet from the kitchen?
A: Show her the way back, she must be lost.
Q: What do you do if your wife strays 10 feet from the kitchen?
A: Shoot her, she's getting away!!
Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor?
A: None, it's a woman's job.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny, OKAY!?!
Q: How do you know if a ship is being captained by a feminist?
A: If the ship starts to sink, she shouts out, "Women the lifeboats!!" and she orders all of the ship's toilet seats nailed down to stop any incoming water.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who cares? What was she doing out of the kitchen??
Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: Put a windshield in front of her face.
Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: So they will match the stove and fridge!
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow disease was already taken
Q: Why haven't women been to the moon ?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet
Q: Did you here they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
A: When they remove half the brain.
Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the crap out of you.
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Q: How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
A: She cooks/I eat; she cleans/I dirty; she irons/I wrinkle.
Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind. 2.No business.
Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Q: How are women like paper cups?
A: Both are disposable.
Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
Q: What's a mans idea of helping with housework?
A: Lifting up his legs so the woman can vacuum.
Q: Why did God create women?
A: Because a beer can't cook supper!
My ex-wife and I have our alimony set up on the easy payment plan. I make the payment and she takes it easy.
Husband: Where do you want to go on holiday this year? Wife: I want to go somewhere I've never been before.
Husband: Well, how about the kitchen?
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them
Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life Sentence!!
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I will never forget that game of cards...
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
In any arguement with her he always gives in. What's the use? It's just his word against thousands of hers!
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
My wife ran off with my best friend..I sure do miss him!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!
"Look, I'm not sexist. I'm just saying women don't know nothing." --Al Bundy
In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband, "I was such a fool when I married you." Retorts her husband: "That's so true. But I was in love and didn't notice."
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Wife: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes, and an apple pie for dessert?" Husband: "No thanks, I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!
Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie." Husband: "Which is this?"
A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an elevator. There is a $10 note lying on the groud. Who picks it up? The businessman; the other two don't exist!
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again. Joe: Yes, for the fourth time. Jim: What happened to your first three wives? Joe: They all died, Jim. Jim: How did that happen? Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms. Jim: How terrible! And your second? Joe: She ate poison mushrooms. Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too? Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck. Jim: I see, an accident. Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig? He thinks "harass" is two words.
One day on the golf course a foursome was ready to tee off when a funeral procession was seen approaching. One member of the foursome took his hat off and bowed his head as the cars and hearse drove by. Another of the golfers said to him, "Well, that was very nice and respectful of you to do that." "Well," he replied, "I was married to her for twenty years."
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that? "Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
What does a woman make best for dinner? Reservations.
Why did God make man first? Because he didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a vacuum cleaner!
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
20 reasons why men rule the corporate world
Women are far too busy doing the housework
Men waste less time pee'ing
Men don't feel sorry for the company they just took over
Women crash the company car far too much
If women were allowed in the men's workplace, they'd be too distracted to do any real work
Women don't look sexy in suits
If women ruled, the shareholders' meeting would bassically be a tea party
Women would keep going to the mall in their coffee breaks, spending hundreds of dollars of company money each day.
A woman as owner of a company would insist on giving each employee that comes to her pleading for more money because of their poor family an outrageous raise
Men don't spend 25% of their life in front of a mirror
Placing a women out of their housely confinement causes it to catastrophically group together with others and start chatting like mad
Women insist on watching Ricki Lake every day
Most women are just stupid, courageless and weak. This is proven by the fact that men order women's food, men ask women for a date and men CARRY the bride over the DOORSTEP. Jeez.
The women who aren't stupid are blond and completely useless
Women have to be paid while they're off work for pregnancy
Coca-Cola light time takes too long
Women always rely on unrecogniseable hints to make something clear to someone else
Like women always ask the way when they're even SLIGHTLY lost, they would be asking eachother everything all the time at not really get anywhere
The world's fine as it is. Don't change a winning team.
Women would colour in their reports
Top 10 Reasons Compilers must be Female:
Picky, picky, picky
They hear what you say, but not what you mean
Beauty is only shell deep
When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing"
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed
Always turning simple statements into big productions
Smalltalk is important
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong
They make you take the garbage out
Miss a period and they go wild
Womanspeak English
The same old thing= Nothing.
Nothing= Everything.
Everything= My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really= It's just that you're such an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it= Go away, I'm still building up steam.
What makes you think there is something wrong= I'm going to kill you.
THUS ENDS PART THREE OF OUR RETALIATION. IF THE OTHER SIDE SURRENDERS, THIS WILL BE THE LAST PART. IF NOT...
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. -General George Patton
Edited by - bigross86 on Jan 06 2003 12:23 PM
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