from the site of Gut Rumbles:
http://www.gutrumbles.com/
saturday morning vitriol
I've read all the pundits and absorbed their impressions about how President Bush handled his Thursday night press conference. I didn't watch it, because I KNEW that he wasn't going to say what I wanted to hear.
If I were President, the conference would have gone like THIS:
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I have just given the command to begin the war against Iraq. I have 250,000 troops sitting in the sand over there, and they were bored sh**less, so I gave them a job to do, and they will do it well. I expect the unpleasantries to be over shortly there, but we have some other asses to kick or cower before our mission is complete.
"I'm going to do an old-fashioned, Ross Perot barn-mucking in the Middle East. The sh** is deep, and we're gonna clean it up. 20 years from now, you will thank me for what I started tonight to make the world a better, safer place. Well, you lefty a**holes will NEVER thank me no matter what I do, so I'm just saying "f*** you!" right now and doing what I believe is the right move. Somebody has to have some balls around here, and that's MY job. I have the stones, and you can all lick 'em if you doubt me.
"Yeah, this operation is going to cost a lot of money. So did the Farm Bill, and the c****suckers in Congress voted for THAT pork, and I signed it. So don't talk to me about "budgets." We piss money away like a drunken sailor and usually we have nothing to show for it except another bridge in West Virginia that we didn't need named after Senator Robert Byrd. This time, the money will be well-spent on WAR.
"Yeah, it's about oooiiilll, too. We can't have that bastard with the moustache squatting on top of all that wealth and using it to prop up his corrupt regime and fund terrorism. He's like a ripe pimple on the nose of the world, and I'm going to squeeze him until he pops. Then we're gonna set up a democratic government in that country and BUY their oil to fuel our gas-guzzling SUVs, and to hell with CAFE standards for gas mileage. You tree-hugging, hand-wringing environmentalists can kiss my ass.
"We're going to roll. We're going to go through Iraq like sh** through a goose, then we're going to have a serious dicussion with "our friends," the Saudis, and they'll be looking down the barrel of an M-1 tank cannon when we talk. That sumbitch is big enough to get their undivided attention, and I believe they will see what light we offer them. If they don't, their ass is grass and the USA is the lawn mower. I'm tired of their duplicitious sh** and I'm not going to take it anymore.
"Did I say "F*** France" yet? I want to make our stance on that issue perfectly clear. "F*** FRANCE!" You cross the United States of America and you PAY for that mistake. Look and learn, children of the world. We're usually the nice guy, and we put up with all the crap you sling at us because we have better things to do, such as getting rich and driving SUVs, than to deal with a gnat buzzing around our face. But sometimes, you just have to swat that gnat.
"I announce tonight the official withdrawal of the United States from both NATO and the United Nations. You people need US a lot more than we need YOU, and since you don't understand that fact, we're going to PROVE it. I have dispatched an overweight bureaucrat with eviction papers in his hand to kick every anti-American c****sucker in the UN building OUT. Let them go set up shop in Zimbabwe or some other god-forsaken dictatorship that they like better than they like us. F*** them, too. I'm going to turn that building into low-rent housing for the poor, which will be a vast improvement over what it's been used for lately.
"Face facts, folks. WE call the shots now. You had better thank your lucky stars that WE DO, too. If I were a typical Russian, Chinese or African boss in charge of all the might we have, the rest of the world would be in **** city. I could pull a Conan The Barbarian act on you any time I wanted to, and you couldn't stop me. But we don't behave that way. We are Americans. You hate us for that when you should be oh so grateful.
"I'm going to do the right thing and I'm doing it NOW. For those pissants who disagree, I have one thing to say:
"BITE ME!"
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