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After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter, and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to
Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the Defense Intelligence Agency. No one could solve it, so it went to the CIA, and then to the NSA, the Secret Service, and even MIT... the list got longer and longer. Eventually they asked the Mossad for help. Captain Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."



"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

THE CLASS OF 2005 ...... will make you smile.

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

Well, I'm very proud to say that I was a child of the 80's-I loved every moment of it...
well, not <i>every</i> moment.

Subject:World History
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she
demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003

"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

<img src=icon_smile_dissapprove.gif border=0 align=middle> to big ross for the class of 2005 joke. I take exception to that make us sound like ignorant fools.

<i>Integrity first-service before self-Excellence in all we do</i>

Edited by - AndrewK on Jun 03 2003 02:13 AM

I give up!!! It's a joke!!! Don't take it seriously! Good God!!! What is it with everybody taking jokes on this board personally?!?!?! I don't think you're an idiot, I'm just posting an annual event. Something like this was posted a while back also. If you can't take a joke the way it was meant (as a joke, not as an insult), than please keep it to yourself, cause when I post jokes, I'm not trying to insult anybody.

http://forum.a-10.org/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=1520

For you 40-Somethings, this is going to hurt !

Subject: Age Calibration
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts
together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of
this year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in
1983.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. !
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"de plane Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.



"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

I love the jokes keep 'em up! <img src=icon_smile_approve.gif border=0 align=middle>

"the closer we are to danger the father away we are from harm."

There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use ... they are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999

And .......... drum roll ..........

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Osama Bin Laden, 2001

"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

I got one to add to the College poll. Kids born in 1983 are too young to remember when MTV used to play music videos.

"By my count green belt. Don't get ahead of me."

_________________

@bigross: LOL<img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_cool.gif border=0 align=middle>@#$%ing great one!!

@lunatock: you´re sooo right!!! MTV<img src=icon_smile_dead.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_dead.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_sad.gif border=0 align=middle>

"Ahhhh... the sweet little seconds before I remember why I am sleeping on the lawn."
-Homer, The Simpsons

_________________
\"My name's Pitt, and you ain't talkin' your ass outta this shit.\"

let´s do something for the germans too: <img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle>



Germans make fast automobiles because anything that *doesn't* move
fast enough in Germany is in danger of getting ground up into
sausage.

What's cannibalism ?
Germans eating pork.

What is the height of confusion ?
Don't answer but stand up, click your heels together, extend your
right hand in the NAZI-salute and shout "Shalom" instead of "Heil
Hitler."

Why are so many Germans born by C-section?
Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

How do you make a German chocolate cake?
First, you occupy der kitchen.

A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first
floor and a German on second, got on fire. Who survived ?
The German. He was out practising marching.

What is the definition of the European Heaven?
British humour, French food, German technology.
And the European Hell?
British food, German humour, French technology.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A Beaner-Schnitzel

Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?
The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.

Why do Germans pay 6 marks for a haircut?
One mark for each side.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

A man enters a Dutch pharmacy and asks why all flags are at half-mast.
"Ist die Koenigin tot, oder so etwas?"
("What happened? Is the queen dead?")
The pharmacist replies that this is to the honour of the people who died in
World War II.
"Ja, aber bei uns sind auch viele getoetet worden."
("Many Germans died, too.")
"Ja, ich weiss, das feiern wir morgen."
("I know. We will celebrate this tomorrow.")

Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most
pleasing to the ear.
The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish,
this is Mariposa, a beautiful sounding word."
The French guy says, "True, but Papillon is even more beautiful".
"What's wrong with Schmetterlink?", says the German....

One day Hitler decided to go to a psychic an found to find out
what day he would die. After looking though her crystal ball, the
psychic replied, "Mein Fuhrer, you shall die on a Jewish Holiday."
Hitler was shocked! He said "Well which holiday is it?"
The psychic replied "Mein Fuhrer, the day that you die will
always be a Jewish Holiday."


"Ahhhh... the sweet little seconds before I remember why I am sleeping on the lawn."
-Homer, The Simpsons

_________________
\"My name's Pitt, and you ain't talkin' your ass outta this shit.\"

Ah! I love it when the Jew comes out on the good side of the joke for a change.

"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

# 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

# 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

# 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

# 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

# 1. Crying is blackmail.

# 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!

# 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

# 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

# 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.

# 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

# 1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.

# 1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.

# 1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

# 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us act like soap opera guys.

# 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.

# 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the
other one.

# 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

# 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

# 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
And quit whining to your girlfriends.

# 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

# 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that

# 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be.Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

# 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

# 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!

# 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

# 1. NASCAR is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

# 1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

Toilet Humor:

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place for a while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!


"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a
public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious "Al-Gebra" movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>
Toilet Humor:

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place for a while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!


"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size=2 id=quote>

Howie Mandel did a skit liek that one:

So I was in a stall, and this guy was on a Cell Phone in the next one over.

Hello. I was shocked at first. Ummm, hello?

Linda? NO Howie!

Then he went on to say "I'll explode if I don't see you soon" Well I thought, can't let that happen. So I leaned over, and stuck my head under the stall wall.

"You a Soldier or a Politician? By all means, let them pooch screw me. And don't care they killed a Marine. That honestly makes me wish they get a Generals blood on thier hands. Maybe then a few people will get thier heads out of thier..."

_________________