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It's the finals of the annual Joint Services competition to establish who is the best, the hardest and the most kick ass service in the USA.

The final three are the FBI, the Navy Seals and the LAPD…

The finals approach and first up are the FBI. They are shown 30 square miles of woodland and are told to go retrieve a squirrel.

The FBI agents immediately call in a helicopter mounted mobile command post and arrange up-links to their spy satellites. They put the woods under infrared, visible light and microwave radar surveillance. Remote drones carrying listening posts are dispatched to cross section the woods listening for any squirrel like activity. 47 hours into the operation a snatch squad are sent into the woods and out they come with a squirrel with a bag over it's head.

"Well done" comment the examiners noting the time taken.

Now it's the Seals turn.

They put on woodland DPM, smear their faces with camo-paint and roll in cow pats and deer dung to mask their body scent. With silent hand gestures they disappear into the woods. No noise is heard for 14 hours until the party returns carrying a squirrel with its legs bound over a pole.

"Very Good" remarks the examiners noting the time taken.

Now it's the LAPD.

In they charge, stun grenades and shock batons ready and with their pistols drawn. The woods are thrown into complete confusion. Birds erupt out of the canopy and many woodland creature flee in blind panic. Suddenly there is shouting, swearing and lots of squealing. Barely 15 minutes have elapsed before the LAPD officers emerge holding up a battered, bloodied and bruised rabbit by one leg.

The rabbit is squeaking "I'm a squirrel, for God's sake I'm a squirrel, please don't hit me again, I'm a squirrel I tell you, I'll be a squirrel for you as long as you stop hitting me…"




"A .44 magnum beats 4 Aces everytime..."