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MUTH'S TRUTHS
"Who Needs Fiction When We Have Democrat Reality?"
by Chuck Muth
May 13, 2003
You'd have to laugh at 'em if they weren't so ridiculous.
Democrats, who are in the minority in the Texas state House, ain't happy
with a re-districting plan crafted by the GOP majority. So on Monday they
threw a temper-tantrum and did their imitation of former Saddam Hussein
regime honchos: They literally ran off and hid rather than show up for
their jobs in the Texas legislature.
No, really. And I do mean LITERALLY.
On Sunday night, 59 of the 62 House Democrats packed their bags and sun-tan
lotion and fled throughout the country so that state troopers couldn't find
them and force them to return to their jobs.
Tips to the Associated Press suggest the spoiled sports lit out in three
separate groups, with two hiding out in New Mexico and the other holed up in
"a remote location" in Oklahoma.
With that many Democrats on the lam, the Texas Legislature is unable to
conduct any business for lack of a quorum, including completion of the
redistricting plan.
In a prepared statement from South Dakota, Senate Minority Leader Tom
Daschle said he was "saddened, saddened" that President Bush had "failed so
miserably" in diplomatic efforts to persuade the Republican majority in his
home state to do what the pouting Democrat minority wanted.
In Washington, Sen. Robert Byrd (D-West Byrdginia) applauded the hiding
legislators' flamboyant showmanship, to which Sen. Ted Kennedy chimed in, "I
'll drink to that."
The most stunning development of the day, however, was the dramatic
re-appearance of former Iraqi minister of information, Mohammed al-Sahhaf,
who took to the floor of the empty Texas legislative chamber to declare that
there were no - repeat NO - missing Democrats. "Baghdad Bob" said the empty
room was just an illusion perpetrated by the "cowboy imperialist infidel dog
in the White House."
Back in Washington, at a hastily convened Pentagon press conference on
Tuesday morning, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld sought to quash rumors
that a number of the escaped Democrats had crossed the border into Syria and
dismissed reports that they were traveling disguised in black mustaches and
berets using French-issued passports.
"That's just stupid and any reporter who suggests such nonsense ought to be
sent to Singapore for a good caning," said the plain-spoken Rumsfeld.
It's also untrue that photos of the 59 Democrats will soon appear on the
sides of milk cartons or that the escapees will be featured on "America's
Most Wanted." However, it does appear true that the United Nations has
dispatched Hans Blix to the southwestern U.S. to search for the missing
legislators.
And in a surprise reversal by two media giants, the New York Times announced
it had rehired reporter Jayson Blair to cover the developing story (from a
cruise ship in the Bahamas) while CNN announced that Peter Arnett had been
rehired and will be embedded with a posse of Texas Rangers who have been
dispatched to round up and return the Democrats to Austin.
Meanwhile, ABC's Peter Jennings declared the effort a "quagmire" after
seven-and-a-half fruitless minutes of searching.
In Hollywood, hundreds of celebrities led by actress Susan Sarandon and
film-maker Michael Moore, took to the streets of Beverly Hills and went on a
looting rampage as a show of solidarity with the wayward Democrats. Moore
blamed the whole fiasco on the Supreme Court for stealing the 2000
presidential election from Al Gore.
Moore also took the occasion to announce that he had chosen Beavis and
Butthead for the leading roles in his upcoming "objective" film of the two
Bush presidencies, while wondering why anyone would think his film was going
to be a "hatchet job."
And in Las Vegas, former drug czar Bill Bennett set the odds of the
Democrats returning to their jobs by the end of the week at 4-to-1, while
NewsMax.com announced the release of a new "Deck of Deserters" playing cards
featuring the 59 missing Democrats.
God bless America.
Without Geospacial Intelligence You're Nowhere
_________________
\"Those who hammer their guns into plows
will plow for those who do not.\"
- Thomas Jefferson
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