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The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there’s so much difficulty in communicating with each other.

The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task is to “secure” a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says: Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
-- Assemble the platoon and supplies
-- Approach the building along three axis
-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
-- Assault the building under covering fire
-- Sequester surviving prisoners
-- Establish lanes of fire
-- Prepare artillery calls
-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
-- Contact real estate agent
-- Negotiate 1-year lease
-- Be sure to get option to buy


"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
- Jimi Hendrix

“When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I’m getting out before it becomes mandatory.” General J. Wickam, U S Army, Retired

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
- Jimi Hendrix

The Navy, Army, and Air Force decided to have a crew team race on the Ottawa River. The teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.
Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A “Consultant Team”, made up of senior officers, was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Navy had eight seamen rowing and one officer steering, while the Air Force had one airman rowing and eight officers steering.
The senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes. The rowing team’s organizational structure was totally realigned to:

Four steering officers
Three area steering superintendents
One assistant superintendent steering CO

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the “Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program”, with meetings, dinners, and a three day pass for the rower. “We MUST give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program”.
The next year, the Navy won by two miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership, in the hopes the beleaguered steering officers would stay for next year’s race; gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance; initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe; blamed the loss on a design defect in the oars; issued career continuation bonuses; and leather rowing jackets to the steering officers.
.....Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars are making divots in the grass....


"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
- Jimi Hendrix

A story about a Phantom crew that got a decoration for NOT shooting down two Mig-21s but the migs never returned to base - Yes read it again !!!!

Well, if you read the statistics about the Phantoms kill record in the IAF, you'll see the following figure:

Sparrow : 64
Sidewinder+Shafrir : 96
Falcon : 5
Gunfire : 22.5 (one shared with a Mirage IIC)
86 : Undetermined
2 : maneuvering
Two Phantoms on a reconnaissance mission over an Arab country got an order NOT to shoot down any Migs since this would result in diplomatic mess.

On their way back home, the crew discovered two migs sitting on their tail. A short calculation showed that if the migs got scrambled for the intercept, they must have been flying the past 5 minutes at full afterburner after dropping off their drop tanks - this would leave them about 5 minutes of flight until getting really low on fuel, while the phantoms still carry their drop tanks and are still distant enough then be threatened by the migs...

The pilots decided to go into some maneuvering and started flying in circles, preventing the migs from getting into missile lockup position.

After a while, the Phantom pilots went really low and flew at 1.2 Mach - where they were much faster then the migs, and got away, knowing the migs would have no fuel to get back to base.

After air refueled by an A-4 escorted by F-15s, they landed in Israel. Pilots got decorated for their decision and performance while news arrived about one mig crashing in the desert (pilot ejected) and the other landing on a road and getting damaged while landing....


Excuses...
An Israeli air force Helicopter was sent to rescue a wounded sailor off an Israeli Navy ship in the Mediterranean. The mission took longer than expected and the Helicopter was running dangerously low on fuel. Spotting an American carrier the pilot immediately landed on it. When asked what the hell he though he was doing he replied, "I thought it was one of ours".


An Israeli military flight student was chopped from training and was due to be reposted. Asked for his preferences he replied: AAA. His reason- "If I don't fly - nobody will"

IDF Bravery
One day, a General of the Israeli Army, an Admiral of the Israeli Navy, and an Israeli Air Force General are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver.

So the Admiral yells to a passing Sailor, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!" The Sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it. The Admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that was bravery."

The Army General says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private, stop that moving tank!" The Private snaps to attention, shouts "Yes, sir!" and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it. The Army General turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts."

Finally, the Air Force General takes his turn. "Airman, catch that landing plane." The Airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir." The Air Force General turns to the others and`says, "Gentlemen, that took balls."


"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

LOL, good job CapC.

"Trample the wounded...hurdle the dead"

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.
“I did 30 years in the Rangers,” the SFC declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country’s wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
As a sergeant, I fought in Korea along side General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
Finally, as a staff and first sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In a fire fight, we’d shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!”
Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, “Yeah, figures...all shore duty.”


"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
- Frank Zappa

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, “This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?”

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, “Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging.“

“You’re not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

“Sir,” said the next butter-bar, “I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . “

“You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, “Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, ‘Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!”

“You’re ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.


"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
- Frank Zappa

The difference in “Military Intelligence”

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, men.”

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with
his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Marines!”

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!”

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, “Give ‘em Hell, Sir!”


"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
- Frank Zappa

MEAL STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES
MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE’s.
NAVY: 3 hot meals.
AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.


HAIRCUT STANDARDS FOR THE ARMED FORCES

MARINES: Heads will be shaved.

ARMY: Stylish flat-tops for all recruits.

NAVY: No haircut standard.

AIR FORCE: Complete make-overs as seen on the Jenny Jones show.


"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
- Frank Zappa

Navy Life....

Ah! The Navy - It's an adventure. For those who have watched the movie "TOP GUN" and one too many episodes of "JAG," a do-it-yourself kit to sample real Navy life is now available. If you suffer from illusions of liberty in exotic ports and flying F-14's with Tom Cruise, you can experience real Navy life in the comfort of your own home. Follow these easy instructions with the aid of your family and friends to recreate the untold joys of Navy life.

Navy Life : A Do-it-Yourself Kit

1. Buy a dumpster, chip the paint off down to bare metal, paint it gray, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the piping and the wires inside your house on the outside of the walls. Place eight handles on every door.
3. Pump ten inches of nasty half sewage water into your basement. Pump it out, clean up the mess, and paint everything in the basement gray. Repeat frequently for added realism.
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the worst part of town, find the most run down trashy bar, pay $10 per beer, and then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. If you miss a week or fudge complete disassembly, hold a trial and restrict yourself to the house for a month.
6. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, on Tuesday and Thursday set the temperature at 10 degrees. On Saturday and Sunday inform your family that they used too much water during the week and as a result all showering is secured.
7. Stack all beds on top of one another in the closet. Raise your bed to within six inches of the ceiling. Stow all your clothing and possessions in a 36" x 18" x 12" locker. If anyone is sick and throwing up put them in the top bunk.
8. Give the next door neighbor keys to your house and have him enter your bedroom every morning at 0530 (5:30 am), and blow a whistle loud enough for Helen Keller to hear. Instruct the neighbor to shout in an amplified megaphone six inches from your ear, "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lit in all authorized spaces."

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do for the following day. You and your family stand in the back yard at 0600 (6 am) while mother-in-law reads her "Plan of the Day" (POD) to you. Repeat this everyday expect Sunday, unless you are simulating "at sea" in which case do it seven days a week.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the hatch (door) that reads, "Secured - Contact OA Div at X-3053."
11. Submit a special request chit (form) to your father-in-law, asking if it is okay for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 pm). You must submit the request form two days in advance. Instruct your father-in-law to hide for added realism.
12. Invite 200 to1000 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Board up all the windows and doors to your house for six months. After 6 months take down the boards. But, since you're on duty, wave at your family through the front window of your home. You and one third of the "friends" can't leave until the next day.
13. Shower, eat, and sleep with the above mentioned friends never more than an arm's length away. Instruct 10% of the "friends" to not shower on a regular basis and an additional 10% to change clothes not more than once a month.
14. Require your family to qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (example: Qualified Dishwasher Operator, Qualified Blender Technician, Qualified Toaster Operator, etc). Hold weekly one hour classes after working hours on such enlightened topics as "Breathing," "Hand Washing," and "Walking."
15. Watch standing - Walk around your car for four hours, check the tire pressure, oil level, and fuel level every 15 minutes and keep an accurate log (record book) of the readings.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for four hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off." Before leaving from or arriving at any location require your family to stand on the hood of the car for the preceding hour.
17. Empty all the garbage cans in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day even if they don't require it.
18. Repaint your entire house gray once a month. {Coast Guard simulations use white paint.}
19. Cook all your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can reach. Fry everything. Serve cold. Special warning: You must not gain weight while locked in the house for six months.
20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month. Instruct them to lose every fifth item and to send every other week's mail randomly to Japan or Italy.
21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
22. Have your 5 year-old cousin give you a hair cut with hedge clippers.
23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
24. Spend two weeks in the filthiest sea port red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."
25. Work five years at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted (even to "Fry's Manager").
26. Needle gun (compressed air powered impact device for paint chipping) the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
27. Stand in the sun for an hour without moving a muscle while someone reads the Old Testament book of Numbers to you.
28. Place metal barriers on the lower 18" of every door in your house.
29. Instruct your doctor to only dispense "aspirin" to you no matter what the ailment or complaint.
30. Gather all the neighborhood washing and mix the clothing in a pile. Rip off every other button, pour bleach directly on the pile, stuff the washing machine to maximum capacity, DO NOT separate by colors. Partially dry items and redistribute the "clean" items in a random fashion.

Ah! Navy life! Sailors love to complain, but most wouldn't trade the experience for anything - once it's ten years in the past. <img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle>

"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
- Frank Zappa

A large group of Iraqi soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:

"One United States Soldier is better than ten Iraqi's!"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One United States Soldier is better than one hundred Iraqi's!"


Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge fire fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again: "One United States Soldier is better than one thousand Iraqi's!"

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander:

"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"


"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
- Frank Zappa

ROFLMAO!!! OK I nominate cap'n C for WT rookie of the year!!!

"We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us". George Orwell

Fighting For Justice With Brains Of Steel !
<img src="http://www.fas.org/man/dod-101/sys/ac/atengun2X.GIF" border=0>

_________________
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Once I get back to my computer at work, I have a lot more military jokes and a link to a website for military jokes. Of course I've been off work for 7 months due to knee surgery, so there's no telling what someone has done to my computer.......

"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
- Frank Zappa

2 questions C, how'd ya blow out the knee and why the downsizing to the 5" from the mighty 16 inchers?

"We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us". George Orwell

Fighting For Justice With Brains Of Steel !
<img src="http://www.fas.org/man/dod-101/sys/ac/atengun2X.GIF" border=0>

_________________
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Blew out the knee compensating for the other knee I blew out a few years ago..... Got up off the ground one too many times while doing a job at work. It just popped and that was it!<img src=icon_smile_blackeye.gif border=0 align=middle>

AS far as trading a 16'er for a 5. The 16" kept disappearing on me. The Mk 45 5"/54 seems to want to stay. I even had a picture of my old warship for a while, but then it disappeared too!!!!<img src=icon_smile_sad.gif border=0 align=middle>

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they’re beautiful.

Kind of hard to tell what the ship is, but it's the USS Truxtun CGN-35. What you are seeing is the back of the ship and My Terrier launchers!!!!! <img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_cool.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_tongue.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_evil.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_approve.gif border=0 align=middle>

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they’re beautiful.

LOL I hear ya man, I broke BOTH my feet in alternate years, 2 years recovering from each, so 4 years of hobbling about ROFL.

"We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us". George Orwell

Fighting For Justice With Brains Of Steel !
<img src="http://www.fas.org/man/dod-101/sys/ac/atengun2X.GIF" border=0>

_________________
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

In the mid 1960's a US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mobile, Alabama for a week's R&R.

The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a very wealthy plantation owner and industrialist:

Dear Captain:
Thursday will be my daughter Susan's debutante ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. sharp, prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dancing with lovely young ladies.
PS: No Jews.

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady followed her butler to answer a rap at the door, which was opened by the butler. She found in dress uniform, four handsome, exquisitely mannered and smiling African American naval officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."


"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

Serves her right! I don't judge people based on their looks or religion, I base my judgement on their actions. No race or religion has a lock on the catagory of jerk..... I do reserve the right to politely disagree with you on a subject, but if you are an American, I will die fighting (if necessary) to defend your right to have your own opinion. When we cease to be willing to allow people to have their own opinion, however Un-Politically Correct it may be, we cease to be worthy of nationhood.....

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they’re beautiful.

Edited by - Captain C on Jun 02 2003 8:40 PM

Wow, definetely not the response I expected. It's just a joke, dude, calm down <img src=icon_smile.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_cool.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_tongue.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_cool.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_tongue.gif border=0 align=middle>

"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

Don't sweat the small stuff. I love it when jerks (the lady in the story) get their just reward. <img src=icon_smile.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_cool.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_wink.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_clown.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_approve.gif border=0 align=middle>

Carpe Diem

(Note: This was an actual letter sent to a major newspaper.
It obviously was from someone in Palm Beach.)

Dear Editor,

Today is Veterans Day, so I asked someone who had been in the Armed Service what he did in the military. He said, “I was in the Pacific Theater.” I asked him if any other GIs were with him. He said “Yes, there were thousands of us in the Pacific Theater.” I asked him how much time he spent in the Pacific Theater. He said that he was in the Pacific Theater every day for five months!

I certainly believe that our fighting men need some recreation, but I think that they don’t need to be in the movie theater that long. Back in 1944, for example, our boys in uniform were having a tough time on the beaches of Normandy - yet there were thousands of GIs off in the movie theater who could have been helping out. And as a Concerned American, I think it is a bit excessive for a serviceman to be at the picture show every day for five months. Of course, all Veterans were not in the Pacific Theater, and we should be proud of those who fought and who made sacrifices.

A Concerned American
Palm Beach, Florida


Caveat Emptor

Well, they live in Palm Beach, that should explain it.

"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI

Keep em coming guys, good stuff.

"Trample the wounded...hurdle the dead"

Awfully glad we have your approval, Snipe. Wouldn't wan't the Mad Moderator to shut down the thread...<img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_tongue.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_evil.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_wink.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_tongue.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_evil.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_wink.gif border=0 align=middle>

"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI