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DOGS v WOMEN
1. The later you are, the more excited the dog is to see you.
2. A dog will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4.A dog doesn't notice if you call it by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
THE LEGLESS PARROT
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud; "Jeesh I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holyshit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
I got every word," says the parrot." I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this-how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." Pssssssst, says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting
with her breasts and slowly going down..."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
"A .44 magnum beats 4 Aces everytime..."
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