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West Virginia State Motto: One Big Happy Family ... Really!
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West Virginia Jokes:
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar West Virginia State Lottery? You gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
Why do folks from West Virginia go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 17 and under not admitted.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the
same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down? Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q. What do West Virginians do on Halloween?
A. Pumpkin!
Q. What is the West Virginia state flower?
A. The satallite dish!
Q. Why do ducks fly over West Virginia upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q. What do a tornado and a West Virginia divorce have in common?
A. Someone always loses a trailer.
Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
A West Virginian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here.
My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
The West Virginian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.
"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
A West Virginian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The West Virginian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said, "They're to hold my balls while I drive." "Boy," exclaimed the West Virginian, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?"
A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"
A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license.
She presented her West Virginia driver's license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
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Exerpts from the West Virginia Vocabulary Book
Foreclose
If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.
Rectum
I had two Lexus coups, but my old lady rectum.
Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.
Disappointment
My parole officer told me that if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.
Israel
Alozono tried to sell me a rolex watch. I said man this looks fake. He said what a joke that watch israel.
Catacomb
Don King was at the fight the other night, somebody should get that catacomb.
Undermine
There is a fine looking chick living in the apartment undermine.
Acoustic
When I was 11 my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.
Iraq
When we got to the pool hall I told my uncle you break Iraq.
Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner?
Seldom
Darnell gave me two tickets to the game, and I want to seldom.
Odyssey
I told my brother you odyssey the tits on that hoe.
Horde
My sister got in trouble because she horde around.
Tripoli
My ol lady wanted a bra for her birthday but I couldn't find a tripoli.
Fortify
I axed the ho how much and she said fortify. is the price honey
Income
I just got in bed with lois and income my wife.
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West Virginia State Residency Application
Name:
(last) ________________
(first)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
CB Handle: _____________________
Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed
(_)Coal Miner
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
___ Number of refrigerators on front porch
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup: _________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Gun World
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Holidays
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)No teeth
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)can't get there from here
BUMPER STICKERS:
___ Eat more Possum
___ My other car is a piece of junk too
___ Honk if you love Jesus
___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'
___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco
Favorite Recreation: Check all that apply:
___ Square Dancin'
___ Possum Huntin'
___ Skinny Dippin'
___ Craw Daddin'
___ Gospel Singin'
___ 4-Wheelin'
___ Drankin'
___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin'
___ Honky Tonkin'
___ Noodlin'
# of Dogs: ___
Type:
___ Blue Tick
___ Beagle
___ Black & Tan
___ Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem:
___ John Deere
___ McCulloch Chain Saws
___ Budweiser
___ Vo-Tech
___ Skoal
___ Coors
___ NAPA
___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear
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One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
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You know a computer is owned by a West Virginian if...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
The keyboard is camouflaged.
There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
The password is, "bubba."
The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
The monitor is up on blocks.
Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
Deer jerky is in the desk drawer.
The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos playing in the background.
The six front keys have rotted out.
John Deer Pocket Protectors.
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Dumb West Virginia Laws:
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."
When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.
It is illegal to snooze on a train.
Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.
According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.
If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.
Roadkill may be taken home for supper.
Whistling underwater is prohibited.
Alderson:
One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.
Nicholas County:
No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
Huntington:
Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.
It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.
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West Virginia Computer Terms:
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI
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