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Christmas Jokes 'n Stories
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Author:  kingfrogger [ 03 Dec 2003, 14:19 ]
Post subject: 
<i>A Christmas Story</i>

"Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and tore up his list.

Miserable brats, ungrateful jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole friggin' works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches and says "Take a hike"
The elves want more money--The reindeers on strike

Rudolph got drunk and humped all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--now ain't that damn funny
Who the hell ever gave Santa Claus money?

And the kids these days--ain't they the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...arms, legs and heads
I made tons of yo yo's--all I hear are moans
They want computers and expensive cell phones

Flying through the air...dodging tall trees
Climbing down chimney's and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

I'm calling off Christmas, and here is the reason,

I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!


“Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.” Benjamin Franklin, 1759
Author:  boomer [ 03 Dec 2003, 15:22 ]
Post subject: 
<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>I found me a blonde. <hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size=2 id=quote>
MEE TOO!!!


<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>I'm going SOUTH for the season! <hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size=2 id=quote>

<sigh if only>

"We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us". George Orwell

Fighting For Justice With Brains Of Steel !
<img src="http://www.fas.org/man/dod-101/sys/ac/atengun2X.GIF" border=0>
Author:  Fast Attack Tough [ 04 Dec 2003, 10:19 ]
Post subject: 
My 4-year old son heard from my wife that I dress as Santa Claus. He was pretty excited so he met me at the door. I guess Santa is a hard name to remember for him because he said,"Daddy, are you gonna be HO HO the Christmas guy?"

Maybe you had to be there.


I shall forge the mighty sword cornholer, with which I shall cornhole the oppressor.

Edited by - Fast Attack Tough on Dec 04 2003 09:20 AM
Author:  Lunatock [ 04 Dec 2003, 11:09 ]
Post subject: 
Did I ever mention how my Grandfather, from my Mom's side.
Used to drink a lot, and dressed up like santa at his side of the Fam's Christmas Party. A
nd the one year, he got wasted. And appeared in the Santa outfit...only it was on backwards?

P.S. For those of us that behaved. *cough* including me *cough* How long until Santa Goose brings us our Gifts? I'll take an M4-Carbine. And a note declaring Goosemas over, so the bad behavior can return with a venegence. <img src=icon_smile_evil.gif border=0 align=middle>

"And I didn't sleep at all last night. But it wasn't insomnia..I was thinking about coffee!"

W.A.B. Moderator. http://www.worldaffairsboard.com/
Author:  44hollowpoint [ 05 Dec 2003, 01:40 ]
Post subject: 
Could this be just a co-incidence..?

<img src="http://www.fullyauto.demon.co.uk/xmas.jpg" border=0>



"A .44 magnum beats 4 Aces everytime..."
Author:  M21 Sniper [ 05 Dec 2003, 01:55 ]
Post subject: 
.44, that is the lowest form of taste allowed here.

NOTE TO ALL HOGLETS: IF YOUR PICTURE IS ANY WORSE THAN OUR DRUNKEN SANTA HERE I WILL DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY.

.44 has succesfully pushed the limits of good taste to the very precipice without falling off.

Kudos....don't do it again. ;)



<img src="http://www.worldaffairsboard.com/sigs/snipersig.jpg " border=0>
Author:  kingfrogger [ 05 Dec 2003, 07:00 ]
Post subject: 
Santa: "And what do <u>you</u> want for Christmas, little boy?"

Boy: "For you to put some f#$%ing pants on, you sick bastard!"

“Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.” Benjamin Franklin, 1759
Author:  Homer32 [ 05 Dec 2003, 07:49 ]
Post subject: 
Damn, seems I missed the pic that set the standard for "the lowest form of taste allowed here"...

<img src=icon_smile_angry.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_wink.gif border=0 align=middle>

Correction: There it is again.
LMAO, I was chosen to be santa on our company´s x-mas party next week.
And I repeat I have got no beer belly like h.simpson. But I guess thats not the way I should do it??

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad." -- Homer Simpson

Edited by - homer32 on Dec 05 2003 06:57 AM
Author:  44hollowpoint [ 06 Dec 2003, 15:30 ]
Post subject: 
Homer, how the hell do you get chosen to be the office Santa?

Did you take a dump on the bosses desk..?

"A .44 magnum beats 4 Aces everytime..."
Author:  44hollowpoint [ 06 Dec 2003, 15:33 ]
Post subject: 
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa...

<img src=icon_smile.gif border=0 align=middle>...



"A .44 magnum beats 4 Aces everytime..."
Author:  Homer32 [ 07 Dec 2003, 03:34 ]
Post subject: 
<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>
Homer, how the hell do you get chosen to be the office Santa?

Did you take a dump on the bosses desk..?

<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size=2 id=quote>

I don´t know either.
Perhaps all the women just wanted the best looking santa ever?
<img src=icon_smile_wink.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_clown.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_tongue.gif border=0 align=middle>


And no, I did NOT take a dump on the bosses desk!
Your thoughts 44...where do they come from??



"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad." -- Homer Simpson
Author:  44hollowpoint [ 08 Dec 2003, 05:22 ]
Post subject: 
LMAO,

How do you think I handed my notice in from my last job...

BTW Homer, What a great way to get the girls (over 18's only please) to sit on your knee <img src=icon_smile_tongue.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_wink.gif border=0 align=middle>

"A .44 magnum beats 4 Aces everytime..."
Author:  Homer32 [ 08 Dec 2003, 11:42 ]
Post subject: 
<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>
LMAO,

How do you think I handed my notice in from my last job...
<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size=2 id=quote>

Hehe, should have known that... <img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle>

<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>

BTW Homer, What a great way to get the girls (over 18's only please) to sit on your knee <img src=icon_smile_tongue.gif border=0 align=middle><img src=icon_smile_wink.gif border=0 align=middle>

<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size=2 id=quote>

yep, over 18 and under 140 pounds...<img src=icon_smile_clown.gif border=0 align=middle>

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad." -- Homer Simpson
Author:  boomer [ 13 Dec 2003, 18:03 ]
Post subject: 
from my newsgroup:

From: "JSH5176" <jsh5176@aol.com>
Subject: MERRY CHRISTMAS
Date: Friday, December 12, 2003 11:07 PM

As Christmas approaches and we prepare to celebrate the holidays with our
friends and family, it is time to break out with this old poem and remember our
sons and daughters and comrades in arms who go in harms way to preserve our
freedoms. Their job is a thankless one in most cases. Even those of us that
have served occasionally forget the Marine and Sailor at sea, the Soldier at
some forsaken post, and the Airmen on alert waiting for the klaxon, while
praying that it never comes.
We must remember that it is not the Founding Fathers, the politicians, or
even the great legal minds in the courts that give us our freedoms. The great
documents of our independence may not be worth the paper they are written on if
it were not the brave young men and women of the military who willing go in
harms way to fight for and defend the ideas that formed our great country.

MAY YOU ALL HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR.
Jim
SAC COP
78-88


'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF

PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY

WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

AND TO SEE JUST WHO

IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,

A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,

NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,

JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES

OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,

AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,

A SOBER THOUGHT

CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,

IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

I FOUND THE HOME OF A UNITED STATES MARINE,

ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE MARINE LAY SLEEPING,

SILENT, ALONE,

CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR

IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,

THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,

NOT HOW I PICTURED

A UNITED STATES MARINE.

WAS THIS THE HERO

OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?

CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,

THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES

THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE MARINES

WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,

THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE

A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM

EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

BECAUSE OF THE MARINES,

LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER

HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE

IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT

BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,

I DROPPED TO MY KNEES

AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE MARINE AWAKENED

AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

"SANTA DON'T CRY,

THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,

I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,

MY LIFE IS MY GOD,

MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE MARINE ROLLED OVER

AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,

I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,

SO SILENT AND STILL

AND WE BOTH SHIVERED

FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE

ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR

SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE MARINE ROLLED OVER,

WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,

IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,

AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan. The
following is his request. I think it is reasonable.....

PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many
people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our
U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebrate these
festivities.Let's
try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and
think
of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do
your
small part to plant this small seed.


"We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would harm us". George Orwell

Fighting For Justice With Brains Of Steel !
<img src="http://www.fas.org/man/dod-101/sys/ac/atengun2X.GIF" border=0>
Author:  Hawg166 [ 13 Dec 2003, 19:58 ]
Post subject: 
44HP I get real bad mental pictures when I look at that and then sing I saw my mommy kissin santa Claus. Damaging mental pictures.

By this time tomorrow I shall have gained either a pearage or Westminster Abbey........Nelson
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