If Dell made M-16's.....
Picture a GI in the middle of a firefight. His gun is jammed so he runs (with covering fire) over to a radio man to call for support.
Ring ring....
Dell computerized answering system: "Thank you for calling Dell firearms support. All of our representatives are busy assisting other customers. Please be assured that we value your call and will get to you as soon as possible. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order received."
....muzak plays to the sounds of small arms fire in the background.....
Ring....
Dell Operator (DO): "Hi, my name is Kathy, thank you for calling Dell M-16 support. Can I have your name rank and serial number please?"
GI: HEY, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIREFIGHT AND MY GUN IS JAMMED!"
DO: Ok, sir, I'll need your name and serial number before I can help you.
GI: WHAT???? GEEZ...I'M SGT SMOTHERS, NUMBER 5551212123
(mortar round explodes in the background, much screaming)
DO: Thank you sir. I see you're a first time caller. Can I also have your unit and commanding officer's name?
GI: WHAT?
DO: I said, I see you're a first time caller. Can I also have your unit and commanding officer's name?
GI: UH, OK I JUST NEED HELP UNJAMMING MY RIFLE!!!
DO: Sir, if I can't verify you're a customer of Dell's then how can I help you?
(more small arms fire)
GI: MY COMMANDER IS 1st LT. JOHNSON, I'M WITH THE 82ND AIRBORNE, AND IT'S GETTING REALLY BAD, CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME HERE??
DO: Thank you sir. You unit is registered with Dell. Let's proceed. What is the serial number of the rifle you are calling for?
GI: WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET SOME HELP LADY? UMMM....IT'S..... (explosion goes off nearby)....SHIT!!!
DO: Sir, if you're going to swear at me I'll have to terminate this call.
GI: NO! NOT YOU LADY, CHARLIE'S FUCKIN' SHOOTING AT ME RIGHT NOW AND IT'S KINDA HAIRY. ANYWAY, THE NUMBER IS 1112234.
DO: Hold please while I look up information for that particular type of rifle.
GI: WHAT THE F....
(....muzak version of "My Way" plays...)
DO: Thank you for holding. I show that as an M4-A3 type rifle, correct?
GI: UH...YEAH I THINK SO....
(screaming and small arms fire continues unabated in the background)
DO: Great. First I'd like to verify that the rifle is loaded. Do you have a loaded magazine nearby?
GI: LADY, THE FUCKIN' RIFLE'S LOADED ALREADY, BUT IT'S NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW!
DO: Please sir, we need to follow these steps in order to make a correct diagnosis of your problem.
GI: (quite perturbed) OK, DAMN, ONE SEC. (Click, clak, clickety thunk) ALRIGHT I PUT A FRESH MAG IN AND RACKED THE CHARGING HANDLE! NOW WHAT???
DO: Please don't get ahead, sir. Now can you please pull gently back on the charging handle about a third of the way back and verify that a round has been chambered?
GI: (more perturbed as the sound of gun fire is getting closer) OH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!! (Thunk, Clak, Smack) YEAH IT'S GOT ONE IN THE PIPE.
DO: Thank you sir. Now please ensure that the selector switch on the left hand side of the rifle is in the "SEMI" position by moving it so the pointed end is straight up.
GI: OK, IT'S THERE. (A machine gun goes off nearby)
DO: Thank you. Please point the rifle in a safe direction away from all people and objects, and pull the trigger.
GI: (CLICK!) NOTHING, LIKE I TOLD YA!!
DO: Ok, that's odd....it should just fire now.
GI: WELL NO SHIT!!! THAT'S WHY I'M CALLIN' YA!!!
DO: Sir, please don't get haughty with me!
GI: LADY JUST HELP ME OUT THEY'RE GETTIN' CLOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (small arms fire, some screams and yells of close combat)
DO: I'm going to have to transfer you to a 2nd level technician. In case we get cut off, here's a case number for you: DMBSHT101
GI: YEAH, PLEASE HURRY!!!
DO: Please hold while I transfer you.
(.....Muzak version of "Stayin' Alive plays.....)
DO2: Hi, sir, I understand you have a loaded rifle that's not firing?
GI: YEAH, AND I'M KIND OF IN A RUSH, CHARLIE'S ALL AROUND OUR POSITION AND THERE'S NO AIR SUPPORT COMING FOR 15 MINUTES!
DO2: Ok, sir let me see if I can help. If you rack the charging handle does the hammer reset?
GI: (RACK! Click! RACK! Click! RACK! Click!) YEAH IT DOES.
DO2: Ok, sir, can you remove the bolt and bolt carrier from your rifle?
GI: LOOK BUDDY I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIREFIGHT!!!
DO2: Sir, I suspect that this is a problem with your bolt and carrier group and I'd like to verify that before I have you ship the rifle to Dell for warranty work.
GI: WHAT??????? YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU MY RIFLE? I'LL BE DEAD SOON THANKS TO YOU NUMBSKULLS!!! (Machinegun fire erupts nearby, more screams) SHIT!!!
DO2: Sir that's completely unnecessary. Please calm down. I realize this is a stressful situation.
GI: (explosion, followed by screaming and small arms fire)
DO2: Sir?
DO2: Sir?
(line goes dead)
DO2: You still on Kathy?
DO: Yeah, now what?
DO2: Mark that case closed, customer was unwilling to perform troubleshooting duties.
DO: That's like the third one this week.
...
"And I didn't sleep at all last night. But it wasn't insomnia..I was thinking about coffee!"
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