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Well, I’ll tell you bout myself, I’m originally from the state of Texas. I love being from Texas just cuz we got our own language down there. We just make stuff up, man. We say stuff like “I tell you what”. That’s it. That’s a complete sentence in Texas. “I tell you what”. And everybody from out of state’s like “what”? “I just told you”! And Texas is completely different from anywhere else in the country.
Last time I was home I was driving around, I had a flat tire. I pulled my truck into one of those side of the road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear to god he went, “Tire go flat”? I couldn’t resist. I said “Nope, no I was driving around, those other three just swelled right up on me”! And without missing a beat he said “Well, the heat’ll do that”!
I just hate stupid people. They should just have to wear signs that just say, “I’m stupid”. That way you wouldn’t rely on ‘em would you? You wouldn’t ask ‘em anything. Be like, “Excuse me. Oh, never mind! I didn’t see your sign”!
It’s like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California, our house was full of boxes. There’s a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over, says “Hey, you moving”? “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign”.
Couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pull his boat up into the dock and I lift up this big string of bass. Some idiot at the dock says "Hey y'all catch all them fish"? "Nope, talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign”.
That’s why there’s warnings on products, cuz of stupid people, ladies and gentlemen. Its not for us, it’s for stupid people. If there weren’t any stupid people you wouldn’t see any warnings. Or at least they had to wear their signs, you wouldn’t sell them a product, would you? Just be like, “I'm sorry, I can’t sell you that”. “Why not? Oh! I forgot!”
Did you know on a tube of Preparation H it says DO NOT TAKE THIS ORALLY? That’s sad isn’t it? Cuz you know somebody wrote them a letter. “Dear Preparation H. I ate this whole dang tube, I still got these hemorrhoids. Man my mouth so small, I can’t eat a jelly bean anymore. But I can whistle really good.”
We bought my daughter a bathtub doll, it's called rub-a-dub dolly. Now rub-a-dub dolly floats around the bath with a little life preserver on. And on the live preserver it says THIS IS NOT A LIFE SAVING DEVICE. Now what kind of idiot would see some guy drowning in a river and go: “Here! Here’s a rub-a-dub dolly doll!” “Oh thank god! You saved my life!”
On a can of shaving cream it says AVOID SPRAYING THIS INTO AN OPEN FLAME. Where the hell was that guy shaving at? What are you sitting around the campfire one night, “Boy, I'm feeling a little bristly. Nice, that’s nice. Little tender”
We bought a stereo receiver. If you bought a piece of stereo equipment, you know inside the box where they put that little package of drying agent. And on this in big bold letters, what does it say? “DO NOT EAT THIS”. Y’all ever bought a piece of stereo equipment thinking there might be something to eat in there? But you know somebody opened that box and went “Whoo!!! I got a receiver and a pack of Chiclets! I got music and gum”!
Do you know on the back of a roll-on deodorant it says DO NOT APPLY THIS TO YOUR EYES? Ladies, when was the last time you were out on a blind date, and he was good looking, but he just had that stinky-eye?
I was working on my wife’s car a couple weeks ago, I was putting a new fan belt on. Do you know on the back of a car fan belt it says BE SURE YOU STOP THE MOTOR FIRST. Wouldn’t you have loved to been there the first time that happened? Some guy walks into a house, his hands are all cut up. “Hey Walt, what happened”? “I’m gonna give you boys a little tip: you gonna put a fan belt on a car, you better shut that motor off first. You cant stop it with your hands man, its like a machine or something”!
If I hadn’t seen this one, I wouldn’t have believed it. We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. Guy comes over to the house, drives the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe. Then he goes “Damn! That’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing a sign, I coulda stopped him. I coulda said “Now, I know you’re not gonna understand this, but, that’s gonna be hot”!
You’ve all seen this one on the back of a bottle of shampoo, it says RINSE, LATHER, REPEAT. RINSE, LATHER, REPEAT. You know there’s some idiot still in the shower cuz it doesn’t say dry your hair, try it again tomorrow man.
I’m sure some of you ladies here at night use curling irons. You ever get a chance, read the warnings on these things! I swear to you it says THE FIRST TIME YOU USE THIS CURLING IRON, YOU MAY NOTICE SOME SLIGHT ODOR AND SOME SMOKE. That means your hair’s on fire! I’m not making these up! The worst one says DO NOT INSERT THESE INTO ANY ORIFICE. My god! What happened to good old fashioned foreplay? “Whoo! Warm up the curling iron, honey! We’re going to the firm”!
There’s warning on blow driers, you know this? It says DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. Well lord, how did that become a problem? Cuz I dunno bout the rest of you, but I cannot count the number if times I been sound asleep, woke up, I was doing my hair. Dangit, I was sleep-styling again! There’s another warning that says DO NOT USE THIS BLOW DRIER IN THE SHOWER! Who’s writing this pamphlet?! Y’all ever been in the shower, “Honey, I’m done shampooing my hair, toss me that blow-drier”!
I saw an idiot on TV this week, I was watching one of those animal shows on the discovery channel. There was a guy inventing a shark-bite suit. There’s only one way to test that. You got to get bit by a shark. But the guy who as inventing it wasn’t the one doing the testing, he had his buddy helping him out. That’s a conversation I wanna be in! “Jimmy, come here! All right jimmy, got that shark suit on, looks good! Now what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna strap dead fish all over your body. Stay with me, Jimbo, stay with me! Than we want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you”. “Well, all right. Hold my sign, I don’t wanna lose it”!
-Jeff Foxworthy, Stupid People
"Retreat, hell! We just got here!"-Captain Lloyd Williams, 2nd Marine Division, Belleau Wood, France, WWI
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