WT Forums

I don't know if this made the rounds here, I got it off a British aviation forum and about fell off my chair when I read it. I hope the author doesn't mind that I post it here for everyone else to enjoy...and be forewarned that he rips on a lot of people in this email, so if you are the sensitive type (although I don't think there probably aren't any on this forum) you may want to give this a skip. But, if you have a healthy sense of humor, read on!

Cheers! M2



Part I

Greetings everyone!

I apologize for not writing to you all for the last few days, but I had to go away for a few days to a place where I could not check my email. I know that makes it sound like I went someplace cool, but as you will see that is not the case.

Before I can relate the story, I must first define a few terms for you non-military types:

1. REMF - (remf') n. Short for Rear Echelon Mother F---er. A term used to describe an individual deployed to the rear echelons supposedly supporting the warfighters farther forward; rear being defined as:

a. not forward or anywhere near the front lines,

b. out of harms way, and

c. having most if not all the amenities from home.

REMFs are easily identified through the following distinguishing features:

a. REMFs uniforms are always cleaned and pressed. No dirt or mud from the front. (Occasionally the uniforms will carry a small sweat stain, but only when the line to the on-base Baskin Robbins ice cream
was especially long that day.)

b. REMFs are often sunburned from spending too much time at the base pool.

c. REMFs have their very own battle cries - similar to the "Semper Fi!" of the US Marines or the "Huah!" of the US Army", such as (i) "The line for the beer is too long - it sucks here!"; (ii) "The DVD player keeps skipping - it sucks here!"; (iii) "This is no-hat, no-salute area."

2. CAOC - (ka' ok) n.

a. Synonym for chaos: extreme confusion or disorder.

b. Short for Combined Air Operations Center (CAOC) - the organization tasked with the command and control of all air and space operations in this theater.

c. Large conglomeration of REMFs with little to no concept of how things are actually going on the frontlines.

3. Al Udeid - (al yoo deed') n.

a. US air base in Qatar.

b. Location of the Operation Enduring Freedom CAOC.

c. Home of the majority of REMFs in this theater.

d. Owner/operator of a base pool, indoor/outdoor gym, indoor/outdoor bar and entertainment pavilion, Pizza Hut, Baskin Robins, 5 dining facilities and multiple indoor heated shower and bathroom facilities.

4. Qatar - (gu' ter) n.

a. Oil-rich country in the Persian Gulf, adjacent to Saudi Arabia south of Kuwait and north of UAE.

b. Host nation of Al Udeid Air Base.

c. Small country that is afraid of its larger sister country to the west (Saudi Arabia) and so has let the US set up HQ there.

(more...)

So our saga begins with my tasking to proceed to the CAOC at Al Udeid, Qatar to brief the director, a 1-star general, on A-10 capabilities here in paradise and ways in which we can improve the overall air operations from our perspective. Armed with this tasking, my education as an Air Force pilot and weapons officer, and my extensive Microsoft PowerPoint (tm) skills, I built my presentation. The first thing you all must know is that a Major (O-4) never gets to brief a Brigadier General (O-7) without first presenting the briefing to two O-5s (Lieutenant Colonels) and an O-6 (Colonel). Here is when you learn the ugly truths about military briefings:

1. You are not smart enough to know what to brief. Even if you are the highest qualified pilot in the unit you do not have enough experience to properly form cohesive thoughts and bullets. For these actions, you need an O-6.

2. You are actually giving the briefing the O-6 wants to give. Unfortunately, he fails to provide you any guidance until you have completed hours of preparation. During the "review" process the O-6 torpedoes your slides and you start over with the O-6 sitting a chair next to you providing helpful and timely suggestions. Repeated attempts of saying, "sir, do you want to just give the briefing?" go unanswered.

3. Your choice of color, font size and bullet will be carefully scrutinized. Apparently a little check mark is better than a dot or square for bullets these days. I was unaware of this new Air Force staff / REMF requirement, thus the need for rule number one. With a completely rewritten, but O-6 approved briefing, I am ready to travel to Al Udeid.

We'll pick up that story in Part II...

Part II

OK, so we left off with my finely tuned PowerPoint briefing and myself awaiting transportation to the CAOC. Again, I must start off with a few definitions:

1. Herbivore - (er be vore') n.

a. A plant eating animal.

b. A "heavy" / airlift pilot.

c. A military transport aircraft. Synonym: "grass-eater"

2. Herc - (herk') n.

a. Colloquialism for C-130 Hercules aircraft.

b. A so-called "tactical" airlift aircraft used for intra-theater resupply, personnel movement and medical evacuation.

c. A herbivore manned by 2 pilots, a navigator, a flight engineer, and several loadmasters.

(more...)

Because of the threat potential here at Bagram, most of the herbivores come in to graze during the night. Thus, my flight to Qatar left at 0200 (that is 2:00 am). To make things more fun, we are in blacked-out conditions so you have to run onboard a C-130 with its engines running and no lights on. All the flight crew is wearing full battle regalia, to include armored vests and helmets. I poked my head in the cockpit and the pilots are sitting there with NVGs on and hand on the throttles ready to spring to life if the base gets attacked... Since we live here and do not wear that much gear I find it amusing they are that nervous. Then I started wondering if they know something we don't...

The flight is uneventful until we get to Pakistan. As a pilot I can sit on the flightdeck and they usually give you an extra headset to listen to what is going on and to be able to talk with the crew. Upon entering the cockpit, I noticed the entire crew was watching a DVD movie on a laptop computer. I started to ask if anyone was looking outside as we were flying under visual conditions, but opted to keep quiet. Besides, it was a good movie - the Patriot.

I take my seat in the rear of the flightdeck when all hell breaks loose - a klaxon starts going off with warning tones and the entire left side if the aircraft is engulfed in an orange light. From my perspective, it appears as though we are on fire. Fortunately, my calm herbivore crew informs me its the missile warning system jettisoning protection flares - the system is just malfunctioning. "It does that..." they assure me. The weapons officer side of me is now curious - "what type of system are you using?" I ask. Blank stares. "What types of flares do you have?" More blank stares. "Uh, we're not sure," they respond. "I think the Chief knows but he's asleep."

So we go back to watching our DVD with the knowledge that (i) we do not know how our protection system works, and (ii) it's not a problem because we are over the "friendly" nation of Pakistan! Very reassuring.

We land uneventfully in Qatar six hours later. We actually land in Doha, another US air base co-located with an international airport. From here we have to take ground transportation to Al Udeid. We jump in a Nissan Pathfinder, the SUV of choice in Qatar, and make our way to the CAOC.

Qatar is like every other middle eastern country I've been to: all new roads, lots of BMWs, and thousands of stores selling gold, jewelry, rugs and furniture. The odd part is seeing the odd Kentucky Fried Chicken or Taco Bell restaurant; wouldn't think those would be big hits here. Along the way our driver realizes he has left his ID on the roof and pulls the SUV off the road - instantly you can tell the passengers that came from Afghanistan as they tuck into a ball and wince-you do not EVER pull off a road over there. But, no land mines in Qatar, so we proceed onto the base.

All joking aside, Al Udeid is everything you would expect of a new airbase. Impressive. Everything new and well-built. We pull into the living area of the base and there are literally hundreds of new tents.

We enter the billeting tent... now at this point I have bags in both hands, I am unarmed and my hat is still on. This is important, because within the first 5 minutes of being on a REMF base, a REMF tells me,

"Sir, I need you to take your hat off inside." Had I BEEN armed, I would have shot her. Welcome to the rear echelon.

Surprisingly, the REMFs are well organized an inprocessing takes only a few minutes. We are assigned transient quarters (a tent of our own) and the most important document you need at Al Udeid - the beer
ration card. This all-powerful piece of paper entitles you to three malted beverages per day. I wept.

We stowed our gear in our tents then went over to the "pavilion." In a word, "pavilion" best describes the differences Bagram and the rear echelon. The pavilion is a huge covered outdoor entertainment area. It has tables and chairs for 200-300 people, and sits adjacent the base pool, an indoor/outdoor gym and fitness center, a recreation center with morale computers and DVD players, an entertainment soundstage, and the indoor/outdoor bar. Amazing. We saddle up to the bar, present our ration card, and (no surprises here) I order up a Guinness.

For the next 2 hours, I savored my three beers and relaxed in the warmth of the 85 degree sunny weather. I even considered becoming a REMF... until I heard one complain that the line for beer was too long and how bad it "sucked" at Al Udeid. Again, had I been armed I would've shot him. Fortunately for him my aim would have been bad anyway since I haven't had a beer in awhile...

(more...)

Part III - the briefing.

Before I begin, I must respond to comments that I must have way too much time on my hands for sending these emails. I completely concur. In my defense, however, I just got back and some REMF stink is still on me.

That, and I can't sleep. Also, some of my definitions are tailored for my non-military friends, so do not hammer me with "technically the definition is..." This is only humor! However, the quotes I use are no-kidding 100% accurate. So I left off enjoying my three beers at Al Udeid. Once again, before I can continue I need to provide a few more definitions/cast of characters:

1. Close Air Support (CAS): The Lord's work. Doing whatever is required to protect friendly forces engaged with the enemy. An extremely complicated, communications intensive mission. Only the A-10 and AC-130 are recognized CAS experts as we are the only pilots who train for CAS on a regular basis in the Air Force.

2. Troops-in-Contact (TIC): Worst case scenario for CAS pilots. Friendly troops are engaged with and in close proximity (< 1km) to the enemy. When this happens, special procedures apply and time is critical, for obvious reasons.

3. Big Board: In the CAOC, there is a multi-story room that houses operations. Large projection systems show ongoing operations on huge screens that can be read by everyone in the room. If you have ever seen the movie Wargames, that is exactly what it looks like. These boards combined are referred to as the Big Board. Again, all joking aside the facility is impressive.

4. CAOC Director: A brigadier general (also known as an O-7 or a '1-star') in charge of the CAOC, who oversees all the air and space operations in this theater. Generally referred to as "the Man." In a rare occurrence (the planets must have misaligned), our current director is a former A-10 pilot!

5. Chief of Current Operations (CCO): Usually a lieutenant colonel (also known as an O-5). Subordinate to the director. Facilitates ongoing air operations by moving aircraft to the wrong areas, denying requests to descend to lower altitudes, and giving crystal clear instructions like, "request you notify the CAOC if there is an impending Troops-in-Contact." (OK, we'll ask the enemy to give us a 5 minute heads up when they are getting ready to attack so we can pre-coordinate with you...). In a word- "middle management"

Theoretically, CCOs are (former) pilots and equally qualified for the job. However, there are really four types of CCOs:

a. Herbivore CCOs. Stare at the big board in the CAOC in amazement that all of these aircraft can move freely without the assistance of a navigator. Fun to work with because they have no idea what you are
talking about and will agree to whatever you want as long as you sound convincing. Easy to identify as they will start their sentences with "you know, I'm a pilot too..."

b. Bomber CCOs. Dropped a few GPS bombs during Operation Anaconda and now consider themselves to be CAS experts. They see no problem of assigning a B-1 to do helicopter escort from 25,000 feet with a weather deck at 5,000 feet. Very difficult to work with during TICs because they cannot fathom that targets actually move. Also easy to identify as they end all their sentences with, "and if all else fails, we have B-52s with 'weather-friendly' GPS bombs on board..."

c. Fighter CCOs. Read about CAS once at Air Command and Staff College. A complete pain to work with as they have no idea what they are doing but as fighter pilots cannot admit it. Avoid controversial
decisions as they may impede progression onto Colonel. Difficult to identify until they say something like, " You know, I did CAS once over Kosovo..."

d. Attack CCOs. The perfect combination of experience and aggressiveness. The ideal leadership for the CAS war in Afghanistan. Impossible to identify as they do not exist - those few A-10 pilots fortunate enough to make Lt Col are delegated subordinate duties to the CCOs or assigned to more glorious assignments on the front lines.

e. JAG: (i) Acronym for Judge Advocate General. (ii). A "combat" lawyer who sits beside "the Man" and advises him on all things legal. (iii) Responsible for the theater Rules of Engagement (ROE) and ensuring they are at least 300 pages, are riddled with legalese, double-talk and contradictory statements so pilots can always be found in violation just for taking off... (iv) A REALLY bad television show on CBS with a cute Marine lawyer.

(more...)

Now armed with the requisite knowledge of the players, the story continues...

Life for CAOC REMFs is an arduous cycle of eating, briefing, eating, briefing, drinking their beer ration and sleeping. Many have taken to the notion that if you sleep 12 hours a day, you cut your tour in half.

We joined up with the night shift as that is when "the Man" works. Our evening began at 2300 (11 pm) with midnight chow. To ensure all the REMFs are happy, there are two food lines: one for those who want
"dinner" fare, and one for those who want "breakfast." No lunch food at 2300 - sorry! And you cannot get made-to-order omelets at this meal either, which was a real disappointment. Post midnight meal we make our way to the CAOC. I cannot adequately describe the impression you get when you enter the building. I know my emails are riddled with sarcasm, but in all honesty it is one of the most impressive facilities I have ever seen. The Air Force had the luxury of building this facility before any personnel were assigned, and they did it right. State of the art technology. Taxpayers everywhere should be proud!

OK back to the sarcasm...

For obvious reasons I cannot discuss much of what goes on or information that is displayed. However, one of the most humorous things I noticed was the Predator video. For those not familiar, the Predator is an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV). The concept is that in situations that may be hazardous to pilots and more expensive aircraft, the CAOC will send in a UAV to search and identify targets or threats, and it provides real-time assessment of airstrike success and failures. In reality, however, UAVs like the Predator allow the CCO to see what is going on real-time without asking troublesome pilots directly for information. This produces three less-than-desirable outcomes:

(1) the CAOC is reluctant to conduct operations without a Predator on station,

(2) they move the Predator right in the middle of where the real aircraft are working to watch what is going on which impedes the Lord's work, and

(3) the Predator video is like crack for the REMFs - watching the video feed empowers them with the feeling they are directly fighting the war.

The CAOC is very protective of its Predators. One night the weather was completely awful, and we asked the CCO to weather cancel our fighters, or at least put them on weather hold. The CCO denied the
request, stating that the Army needed our support, and by-God, he was going to support them (fighter guy - no controversial decisions). So we launched into some really bad weather. Mind you, we could not see the ground and could not have done anything even if we needed to.

A short time later, the Predators asked to weather cancel. The response was, and I am not making this up, "Weather cancel approved. You guys are too valuable to risk on a night like this."

So, our life value is something less than a large balsa wood model with a snowboard engine and a television camera. That will not play well with my life insurance agency.

Anyway, back to the video. While I was at the CAOC the weather was unusually bad and the Predators were not flying. However, their video feed was still being displayed on the Big Board - pictures from inside the hanger, sitting on the ramp, out on the taxiway, etc. Why? No idea. But I look at it as something akin to smokers trying to quit who pick up used cigarette butts to try and get a final hit - they just can't help it.

So we get inside the CAOC and my initial excitement fades as we attend the first of series of long, useless briefings on the next day's Air Attack Plan. First, there is the "pre-brief" where we review the "brief". Perhaps brief is the wrong noun because no one actually says anything. In reality, the "briefer" simply presses the "next" key and the audience stares vacantly at the presentation. Occasionally there is a "no changes" or "same as yesterday" comment, but whenever there is a "any questions?" the silence is deafening.

Upon completion, we move to a larger room for the "brief" where the exercise is repeated, only the average rank of the audience has increased by a factor of two. Upon completion of the "brief" the plan is approved, everyone congratulates themselves on a job well done and heads off to breakfast. And its only 4:00 am.

The lesson learned here is who ever prepares the "pre-brief" slides is, by default, running the entire air war in Afghanistan...

So after breakfast (they do make made-to-order omelets at this meal!) we head back and brief "the Man." For all my whining and sarcasm over the last few emails, the brief goes extremely well. The general concurred with most of our recommendations and was glad we took the time to come brief him.

Mission accomplished! All the pain was worthwhile, we are victorious!!!!

Then, unthinkably, "the Man" asks the JAG for comments. The JAG announces he is "uncomfortable" with two of our suggestions which now means I have to produce two background papers on the topics for his
review prior to their implementation. Strike 1. Then more of our recommendations are staffed to the CCOs for review. Strike 2. Our final recommendation is staffed to the herbivore rep as it deals with air refueling. Any guesses? Strike 3. We'll see - he's still reviewing it, but he is "uncomfortable" with the proposal - stole that legal term from the JAG. Another background paper and more wasted time. When it is all said and done we'll be lucky if we get 25% of what we recommended, but for the Air Force that is a victory. Unfortunately, that 25% victory will take 6 months to implement...

Fortunately, it is a new day and I have three beers on my ration card. After that, we have to head back to Afghanistan, which I'll save for Part IV.

ATTACK!

<Callsign Removed>


<i>Sorry, I was never able to get Part IV, if there every was one!</i>