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Here we go:

Two figures flit through the hall, a fleck of shadow duels a sliver of light.

Blades clash in showers of sparks as feet and hands are used in a 3-D competition for the high ground. Pillars, statues, the ceiling are all viable platforms from which to launch each other against the opponent, meeting in the air and on the ground. Stone is ground as they perch on obsacles in the middle, waiting split seconds to catch thier balance before lunging at each other again.

A human in black armor is a shadowed blur, not even visible where he crosses the shadows of the obstacles in the room. Opposing him is a silver flash, barely visible save when crossing blades with his human opponent. Brown and green skin show under a harness of white and polished steel. The otterlike body moves with a grace only his opponent manages to copy. They grunt siliently as they dance thier silent dance of death.

The battle winds down, the two figures meeting in the center, the Molnari Blademaster in the shadows, the Human Shadowmaster in the bluish sonlight streaming through the windows. Their blades are crossed, a long curved shadow and a straight wide sliver of silver, glowing in the shadows. Sweat drips off of the heavily breathing human, he seems barely to have enough strenth to hold up his sword. The Molnari is in a similar straight, panting wildly, the jocka neck cooler having been drained of moisture long ago.

The blades part, only to clang together before returning to thier scabbards. They remove their helmets, revealing the marks of brotherhood on thier skins, and lean against each other as they move off the practice floor. Thunder pronounces the midday downpour as they move to the edge to allow other warriors to practice.

They leave the training building to stand in the lukewarm rain, holding thier heads up to catch the torrents falling from the alien sky. Chroe Shal'naki sighs as the water soaks his body. Without sweat glands, his people rely on the moisture in their environment to keep cool. His bond-brother stands nearby, the tattoos on thier faces twining about, identical patterns on opposite flesh.

Benjamin Laconis starts stripping. On a planet that is seventy percent swamp and bog, it's better to maximize cooling. His sugar based metabolism is poisonous to the life here anyway, and only a few of the smaller bugs would dare bite a Human. Chroe does the same, and they walk together to the Human-style dining hall nearby; Chroe in a loincloth traditional to his people, his bond-brother bearing a T=shirt and shorts over the garments representing a covenant just as important as the one symbolized by the tattoos on his arms and legs and face. They talk of the training session and life in general as life continues around them.

How is it?

"Some pup"
Nickname by Fenderstrat72

_________________
Evil is evil, no matter how small.

The beginning was a bit sketchy, didn't really know what was going on 'til the end of the 2nd/beginning of the third paragraph. But overall it was very descriptive and pretty good.

Maybe some more about the fight itself...

“Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.” Benjamin Franklin, 1759

Okay, trying to resurrect my high school creative writing instruction and...

First sentence/paragraph: Good.

Second paragraph:

Cliche problems, BIG cliche problems. Clash, sparks, spilt-second, etc. Go for something less obvious and more imaginitive and descriptive. Describe the hall to provide greater image detail to add art and distance/depth to the scene. Are they so clumsy they "lunge?" I see more "flitting" opponents.

Third paragraph:

Missed opportunities to make it more descriptive and again provide creative imagery. Just black armor? We can make that more interesting, can't we? Same with the opponent, I don't get to see what kind of armor he's wearing, other than plain ol' polished armor. Is it intricate? Is it sleek? Designs or decorations? "Otter" description is excellent, watch the use of "copy" since it seems to break the flow, so find another word. "Grunt" ends up in the same category as "lunged." I want these guys more refined, unless you're pulling for the inconsistency or contrast of the event. Redo that last sentence, not good to have "silent" twice. Dance of death is a cliche, shake it or kick it.

Fourth paragraph:

OH! The CLICHES! Master this, master that, please master a way of titling these guys as "good" or "elite" without using "master," at least not for both of them. Find a reason, event, or signal for the battle to wind down, too. You just don't stop a fight, even for an exercise, unless there's a reason. Sliver of silver is predictable, but still good and just sounds cool. Refine and make more descriptive the state of the human, sweat just "dripping off" doesn't do it for me, even if he was a she in a scant fighting suit of some-sort. I want to know more about the Molnari's physiology and body-type, right now, since he's panting, I'm thinking a werewolf. Drop us brief descriptive clues. Neck coolers are cool, give me a better description of it, without it stealing the sentence.

Fifth paragraph:

Again, need more description. What are the marks on their skin? Color, shape, design? Paint us an image! Just leaning? Posture? Other contact? General air of attitude? Take or at least watch a martial arts course so you can see how two long-time friends react after they've been knocking the snot out of each other for a few very active minutes. lol

6 and 7 paragraph:

Pretty good, getting to where you need to be at. What, if anything, makes the sky noticably alien? What makes the two's flesh opposite? "Life in general" should be an interesting read when you get to it (history, complaints, critical events and shallow jabbering, etc).

Other than that, you have two distinct styles used there, paragraph 1-5, and then 6 and 7. It's appropriate, considering the break in action and attitude. Attack the first group with the lessons learned and used in the second.

Strongly reminescent of 1950's/1960's styles of writing, too.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.


Edited by - Horrido on Jul 28 2004 6:02 PM