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[Sent to me by a friend who supposedly got this from a good friend of the perp]:
This is for all of us out there that can remember military rations....enjoy the laugh and those that have never experienced this....laugh as well.
Chez Ranger - by Frank Rodgers
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day
before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I
finally settled on something she has DEFINATELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field
rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's
what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets,
took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice.
I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic
and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and
rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I
then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it
out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop.
I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like velveeta) and
added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's
got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added
five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for
$4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes -1 each -Cherry
flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eeriekool-aid
with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover
sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle,
and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China
(that s**t is f***ing EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over
$600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over,
and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs,
set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks
INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal,
she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at
the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked
it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she
squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate
what? Okay...yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to
use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite f**t punctuated her utterance of
dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener,
1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood)
and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated
to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the
hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet
paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on
the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a
word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and
didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me
laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and
said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an
Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner,
because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and
showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000
calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and
said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"
After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without
a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't s**t for 3 days, and
when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it
from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to
combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner
for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said
that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date.
She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been
in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an a**hole, but it was still a funny night.
So, you have trouble. We all have trouble. Build a bridge and get over it.
_________________
\"Those who hammer their guns into plows
will plow for those who do not.\"
- Thomas Jefferson
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