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THE LARK PROGRAM
A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the
treatment of captives taken during the Afghanistan and Iraq wars.
Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:
The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C., 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba and Abu Ghraib, Iraq.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn,that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is extremely violent, and a sociopathic killer , we
hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal
problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that
you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted
terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can
extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group as he is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind them that ! it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?
If you hear that his associates want to murder you, your wife and your daughters be patient while you ask him about it and do not raise your voice or cause him any distress. Remember we must show these poor misguided people that our moral values are more important than our fear of being murdered.>
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much more than we do, even though they have never been there, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!
Cordially...Your Buddies,
"W" & Don Rumsfeld
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." - Carl Zwanzig
_________________
\"Those who hammer their guns into plows
will plow for those who do not.\"
- Thomas Jefferson
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