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Subject: aircraft maintainance check

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
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P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

My favorite when I was in was CND (could not duplicate) Man did that ever piss the pilots off. Only time I was wrong was when I was working F-4's in Holland. Pilot kept writing up an AB (afterburner) no lite on takeoff. We ran that sumbitch 3 different times on the trim pad and it lit every time. Pilot finally came out while we ran it the 4th time. Another CND so he put my skinny ass in the back seat and took me for a ride. Damn burner didn't light on take off and the pilot says "well chief (they call every maintenance man chief) are you gonna CND this bastard again"? I naturally said "No sir", enjoyed what was left of my ride and changed the fuel control.

"Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget, in time, that men have died to win them."
Franklin Deleano Roosevelt

I got bit by the CND bug not long ago. We had changed a prop for time change, took it to the trim pad and when we done the balance the analyzer indicated no vibe. Well, after the FCF the pilot would not release it because of vibes in the engine. Back to the pad, prop balance again, no indicated vibe. Even had another FCF pilot run it in chocks after we rotated the spinner dome. He said no problems. Well, next flt...Code 3 vibe. Hummmm, found a broken wire in the sensor harness. I had much egg on my face.

good god those are all classics, thanks Wayne!!

"Fitz" is the tits!
Brownells calls me Aaron Burr cause the
way I'm droppin Hamilton$

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The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

I've seen those before-I think on a longer list. Hilarious!

Ignorance may be bliss, but it sure ain't fun!

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Evil is evil, no matter how small.

My favorite, after several CND's on a weapons malfunction, was when my Weapons CC wrote up a reply of "Short between Pilot's head sets."

We got a good laugh out of that one.

"Slow is Fast - Fast is Slow"

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Slow is Fast, Fast is Slow
Violence may not be the best option, but it IS an option

I always liked "R&R Flt Stick Actuator" OP's ck good!

Pilot : Cockpit lighting Dim flying at night
Crewchief: Turned up the Dimmer switch Op's Ck good!

Pilot: Left wing Rattles in Flight
CC : Found rattle returned it to baby


Pilot : #1 engine will not start
CC : Lift throttle over the Hump Op's Ck good!
<img src=newicons/anim_lol.gif border=0 align=middle>
This was a T-39 write-up and how Fleet Service signed it off

Pilot : Used Toliet in-flight needs cleaning
FS : Toliet serviced and briefed pilot on his "Aiming"

But alot of these have been around along time.

Years ago the "MAC FLYER" always did some kind of "Joke" on the back cover, pilots being funny or what not, but 1 cover I wish I knew what I did with it had 3 Msgts on the back pointing .45 cal pistols at the camera and under it it said
"Ok Sir just sign it off as "ENTERED IN ERROR"


Goose

Goose



LIVE FREE OR DIE!

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\"Live Free Or Die\"

I remember WCS would CND a radar write up nite after nite and finaly the commander came in and grabbed the WCS troop that was the culprit and off they went in a truck. We all thought he was toast but low and behold here he comes in a flight suit. well to get to the point the pilots ate crow the commander came down and said that that had been the best looking radar that he has ever seen.

live to wrench, wrench to live

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Press one for English, Press two to disconect untill you do.

<img src=newicons/anim_lol.gif border=0 align=middle> i have a copy of this in my joke book, its one of my favorites!!

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten!"

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\"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives\"